Tomorrow is my orientation at the university that I will attend in the spring. To be honest, it is not the university of my dreams. I feel like I can be at a better university, but I also feel desperate to get back on my feet again. I do not want to just sit at home for another semester feeling useless. I decided to make the best of this situation.
But I feel so vulnerable.
A year ago I felt like I had the perfect life. I was at a great university, learning to live on my own, meeting new people, completely in love, with a research internship under my belt, looking forward to a trip to Peru to volunteer at a hospital, and surely on my way to success.
Then life sped up and left me behind. All the school work started to pile up, I strained relationships with people, was dumped-used-then dumped again, got a lupus flare, and due to my hospitalization I missed my finals, could not do the internship, and could not go to Peru. On top of that, I lost most of my hair and did not return to school. So now I am behind and I am not even sure about what I want for my future anymore.
I feel so vulnerable.
I am finding hope in thinking that one day I will stand on my own and be proud of who I’ve become. One day I will love who I am. I will look back and not know the sad confused girl that I am today. I can envision myself as a strong an independent woman. My happiness will not be depend on anyone but myself. I won’t need a man’s reassurance to make me feel self-sufficient. I will learn how to deal with stress and how to squeeze out every drop of energy in me despite my lupus.
Sometimes I feel like I am watching myself be miserable and I want to shake me out of it. Or I see other girls feeling down and I want to yell at them for not finding themselves worthy. I have a cousin named Jessica who succumbs to every one of her boyfriend’s wants. He will not marry her and does not treat her right, but still she sticks around. I begin to see myself in her and it makes angry to think that I could be so willing to give myself up to a man who does not treat me right. It is because of my heartbreak that my condition flared. He did not offer me any comfort while I was hospitalized and ceased all contact with me. Pathetic, right? I know. But half a year later I am still heartbroken.
However, this time I learned my lesson. The problem is me. It is all in my head. It is when I let my mind torture me that my condition worsens. I need to stop running away from myself. I need to stop finding comfort in men. Only I can give myself the closure I need. Self love and optimism are the only way out of such a dark hole. Tomorrow will be a step closer to that way out. I am going to complete my education and fight for my place in this world. I need to be strong for myself so that I can prove it is possible to be single, successful, and happy. I have taken a lot of interest lately in the empowerment of women. We are natural nurturers and we are the practitioners of beauty, but we are the most trampled upon by society. I say no more of this. Lets turn things around ladies. I’m ready.
Hello to every one! Call me Lady Lu. I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2008 at the age of 17. I did not even know what it was when I was diagnosed with it, which explains the poll! I am just curious to know how many of you are familiar with this chronic illness. I hope that as I share my story, I also educate others about this condition, provide comfort for those in search of it, and establish a support system for those of us who need it. Living with lupus is not easy, but having others there to hear us out makes things much better.
This summer of 2011 I got a bad flare, which means that my condition worsened. I could not return to school so I have been sitting at home feeling helpless and worthless. Like life dumped me on the side of the road and I am just sitting here watching every one pass me by. Well… I decided that I will no longer sit around. This condition will not define or predetermine my future. I am only twenty years old and I have decided that I have a successful life waiting for me to just pursue it.
I am reinventing myself and redefining my life. My blog will be an insight of what it is like living with lupus. It will be the story of a young girl’s struggle to find her place in the world. To become self sufficient. My struggle to find the energy to live despite having a condition that threatens to devour every bit of energy and leaves swollen joints to show for it. It is also a space to establish a network for others who have this condition, know some one who does, or simply want to support us!
I want to hear your comments! and spread the word!